My first, second, third . . . time I talked with women about not taking back their estranged husband, revealed a common theme to me. And that is when the (ex-)husband expresses regret but does not have or has expressed sincere remorse for his own actions. And in some cases the man left the wife for some young girl young enough to be his daughter. After he lives with his new flame he finds she doesn’t cook or clean. When he misses the convenience he had with his wife he asks to come back. But he does not have any remorse for what he put his wife through.
I have advised women to get out of emotionally abusive relationships. Separated or divorced – the woman shouldn’t take him back if he’s only sorry for himself. The husband could have genuine remorse. But if he still hangs with the same type of guys and he can’t name a person outside of his circle of friends as a mentor then the answer still needs to be NO.
Only a heartfelt apology, time, action, and a genuine change in his attitude will prove to be a help. When it comes to relationships men are often not into emotions as much as their wives. There’s too much pride in being able to not show emotion.
That creates a problem because men see action as the solution. They are more focused and task oriented. But even in their jobs they could recognize that rapport with fellow workers smooths over a lot of issues. When they get home they’re done with the mind games outside of their home.
It is a fact that men have thicker skulls than women. They also have fewer connections between the right and left sides of their brains. headed. It is the connections that are responsible for actual women’s intuition. This is another way that misunderstandings occur between husbands and wives.
(Ephesians 5:25-28 WEB) 25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 hat he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 hat he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives, as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife, loveth himself.
When our lives end we will find that God intended for the man to be the leader and protector in the home. The question would be how did they lead. Verse 25 says men have to love in he same way as Jesus did giving His life for the church. Verses 26 and 27 also show that men are to be to be the spiritual leader in their home.
One thing that men miss is that their wife is their best confidant. Wives live with their husbands, share needs for the family, and make decisions for their children and home. They live with their husbands and experience all of his good and bad tendencies. There’s very little she doesn’t know about him except for his deceptions. And depending on what his deceptions are about, the husband could be into a lot of trouble.
Obviously the husband cheated on his wife. If it was deliberate he deserved what he got. To try and explain this away in the next two years won’t work. Only a genuine change on his part resulting in true remorse for what he put his wife through will give him a chance at reconciliation. And it’s only a chance. Men need to put great value on their wives to begin with and remain faithful to have a good, even great marriage.
I’m also a recovered bad husband. I have been abusive and sinful. I owed remorse to my wife and to God. It would be wrong for me to try and justify my actions. In truth my reactions were part of my growing up. Suffering verbal abuse at school that was never acknowledged or confronted made me insecure. And insecurity can result in temper, physical abuse, verbal abuse, and tantrums outside my home and family. As a man it was my responsibility to address my issues.
The problem in the Christian community is that men have such shallow relationships with almost all of the men they know they don’t spot the bad husband. And if they do their shallow relationship keeps them from helping out their brother/friend/acquaintance.
The church as a whole depends on the Minister (preacher) alone to confront the husband on these issues. That’s not enough. His friends in the church should be able to spot a problem and then confront the husband. The following verses give direction as to how to proceed.
(Galatians 6:1 WEB) Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye who are spiritual, restore such one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.
(Matthew 18:15-17 WEB) 15Moreover, if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear [thee], [then] take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell [it] to the church: but if he shall neglect to hear the church, let him be to thee as a heathen and a publican.
I never been one that can say if there’s problems in the home, both wife and husband are responsible. I’m not saying this is a bad opinion; but I wouldn’t assume it before I knew more about their dynamics.
As a man I see the man’s role in these cases. As a member of a recovery group I know I need to change me. My preacher says when we point fingers, we have three fingers pointed back at us. No matter how much the wife may be at fault, it’s still up to the husband to correct the errors on his own side of the fence.
My point in this post and of my blog is to create accountable Christian men.